Category: Relationships

SNAIL MAIL

When was the last time you wrote to someone? No, not in a text or email, but real paper mail. When was the last time you picked up your pen, wrote someone a note, stuck it in an envelope with a stamp and let it off into the world? For most people, it has been a while. For me, it was just the other day and I am planning on writing a few this afternoon! I absolutely love sending snail mail! In fact, I have six reasons why I love it- and your loved ones will love it too!

1 | Personal Connection

Personal connection is number one on the list for a reason! Letters are written to connect and share with others. It is a very personal act to be physically writing out your words to give to another person- especially in our technology-based society. Relationships are an important part of our mental health and writing letters helps keep the relationship strong! I have sent letters to loved ones that live in the same city as me and ones that live across the globe. No matter how far away people are, writing and reading that letter brings a special connection between people.  

Related: Taking off the “I’m Fine” Mask

2 | Slow down

We live in a fast-paced world. Do you ever send a text or email and keep checking for a reply? Feel rushed and wonder why someone hasn’t gotten back to you yet and when they finally will? I have unfortunately felt the same way. Sending handwritten letters forces you to slow down. I mean, it is called snail mail! The whole process of physically writing a letter will slow you down, but it also slows your mind down. You will send your letter out into the world where it will have its own adventure before reaching your loved one! It is a fun waiting game thinking of when your letter will reach its final destination and be read! I have heard back from so many loved ones that the letter came just when they needed it most- which reminds me to trust the timing of the universe.

3 | Showing You Care

Yes, there are countless ways to show someone you care. Snail mail just feels… special. The letter does not even have to be long, but the intent of going out of your way to send it brings so much extra love along with your note. It is simple to send a quick text or to call someone on your morning commute. However, physically writing a note to someone is very personal and rare nowadays that the thought put into the letter truly comes pouring out. It really is not a lot of work to send a card- just a lot of thought!

4 | Nice Surprise

My mailbox is typically filled with: advertisements, bills, and things meant for the previous resident. Somedays the mailbox is even empty. Finding a letter from a loved one is such a lovely surprise in my sad little box! As soon as I see a personal letter my face lights up! I have the letter in my hand while I walk back inside wondering what is inside! Before even opening up the letter, I can feel the love inside waiting for me. All of this and I have not even started reading yet! After I get home I can finally rip open the letter and truly enjoy the personal connection.

5 | Keepsake

Don’t you love it when you get a sweet text message and find yourself thinking of it- or even rereading it? Maybe there is an uplifting conversation you had with a loved one you keep replaying your mind to relive those lovely emotions. A physical card makes your sweet words into a beautiful keepsake. Around the holidays it is a common practice to display cards from other wishing us well. But, this does not have to be specific to holiday cards! We can hang up that awesome note on the fridge, attach it to your bulletin board, or keep it in a letterbox with other nice notes! You can even keep them on display on your vision board! We are giving so much more than just a letter! 

Related: Vision Board: What, How, and Help Making Yours

6 | Creative outlet

Sending cards is a work of art! Think of the paper and envelope as your fresh canvas! There is a lot of freedom to express yourself in so many different ways with snail mail! From the words you are writing to the way you are writing them, to any other additional touches you might want to add! Maybe some stickers, a watercolor picture, or any other way you want to express yourself- no limits! You can buy plain white cards to spruce up yourself or get a DIY greeting card making kit to help get your creativity flowing! The card is completely yours to communicate what you want, how you want!  

WHAT TO SAY

You can say whatever you would like in a letter! There does not need to be a special occasion such as a birthday to send something. You can send a letter to someone just to say you are thinking of them, miss them, or are happy your lives crossed paths! Life has taken me on a crazy journey- as I am sure is true for most of us. There have been times when I have written people I haven’t seen or talked to in years. After the letter we were able to reconnect- no matter the time or distance. Talk about that personal connection!

WHO TO WRITE

Don’t know who to send a letter to? There are so many wonderful projects and organizations so you can write letters to people you have never met in person. There are organizations for you to write words of encouragement to people having a tough time or find a pen pal across the globe! If there is a cause or group of people you would especially like to connect with do not be afraid to do a little research. You might be surprised at the number of people enjoying the benefits of snail mail!

I came across an amazing organization, Girls Love Mail, that sends letters to women who have been newly diagnosed with breast cancer. They go over absolutely everything you would need to know in their FAQ section, have a free stationary you can download, plus you can sign up to join their community and would get to read the responses from letter recipients!

SMALL ACT WITH A LOT OF IMPACT

Cards are an amazing way to connect with others. I have tried to put into words just how special snail mail is, but am still not sure I was able to get the point across. I get so much enjoyment from writing the letters and receiving them!

How do you feel about sending mail? Is there a special cause or organization that you write to? If you haven’t written a letter in a while try it out and let me know how it goes! Please comment below and tell me what you think of my article and any thoughts about bringing back snail mail! If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please show you care and share the bear! Be sure to sign up for my emails and follow on social media to get the most of the positive world of Brightside Bear!

Written with love for you,

Brightside Bear  

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“Do not hesitate to ask for a thing if you need help!”

“Whatever you need, you know where to find me!”

“I am only a phone call away!”

How many times have we said these to a loved one going through a tough time? While we are offering our help in full sincerity, more often than not our offers for help go unused.

But why?

I remember when my family was having a hard time and it seemed like everyone was offering their help to me… but almost no one was actually helping. The offers for help even felt like a burden to me. I felt burdened because I had no idea what could possibly help me in such a time of darkness. I did not know how to help someone, help me.

How do we go from offering to help to actually helping?

1 | Validation and Checking in

Recognize the hard time your loved one is going through and validate their feelings. Let them know it is okay to not be okay and this feeling is temporary. Ask your loved one if they want to talk about what is going on. Be sure they know the offer is not a one-time thing. Checking in regularly just to let them know you care goes a long way. A little message that takes seconds to type could make their entire day better or even sending snail mail they can keep on the refrigerator! 

2 | Suggest ways you can help.

It is hard to ask for help. Instead of asking the open-ended question of, “How can I help?”, suggest a few ways to help. Think of what tasks you would be willing and able to do that could help your loved one. Something that might be simple for you could take a huge weight off of their shoulders. Some ideas could be: cooking or picking up dinner, grocery shopping, laundry, or offering to help pick up their child from school for the week! Remember how much the cleanliness of our space impacts our mental health? Maybe you can help in this way! 

3 | Plan a good time!

Plan fun time together to give your loved one a break from their hard time. Think of what your loved one would really enjoy and some self-care you could even enjoy together. It could be a whole day at the park or just a dinner at your apartment with their favorite breakfast or dessert served. Whatever it is, be sure to plan every detail so your loved one can just enjoy the break. A surprise plan might not always work here. You could say, “Hey! Let me know when you have a free three hours/night because I have something special for us!” That way you know your loved one does not have a prior engagement- plus it gives them something to be excited for!

What if my tries for help still get turned down?

You might offer your help being as honest and enthusiastic as possible, yet still have your offers for help turned down. That is perfectly okay. Everyone handles hard times differently and at a different pace. What is important is that you are doing all you can to help your loved one when they need you the most. Your offers for help are never a waste.

Why is it important to be proactive about helping?

Being proactive about helping is the best way to be helpful! If we wait until a loved one asks for help, we may never get the chance to help them. Sometimes, when we are struggling the most it is also the hardest time to ask for help. By just helping and not waiting to be asked, we are showing just how important it is to us that we are there for our loved ones. 

What are some ways others have gone above and beyond to help you in a time of need? Please comment below and tell me what you think of my article on helping loved ones!  If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please show you care and share the bear! Be sure to sign up for my emails and follow on social media to get the most of the positive world of Brightside Bear!

Written with love just for you,

Brightside Bear

 

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Why We Think Revenge Works

Revenge is something we are all too familiar with! It is when we harm someone as a way of payback for being harmed by them. Revenge has been used as a way of justice since the dawn of time. The rule was simply, “An eye for an eye!” While this type of thinking might be appropriate when handling thieves in the 16th century, this is not how we should handle our personal acts of vengeance now. Revenge starts off as an automatic response to those who have hurt us. But our automatic response is not always right. Keep reading for reasons you should not seek revenge!

Reasons Why Revenge Doesn’t Work

1 | Revenge is Selfish

Revenge is done because it is something we feel entitled to do. We were hurt, embarrassed, and wronged so now we deserve this vengeance. With revenge, we are acting out of our self-esteem and the need to be right! Our ego feels threatened because we have been mistreated and is trying so desperately to repair our self-esteem. Ego thinks revenge is the answer. BUT, our ego is wrong! What we need for our self-esteem is not to be selfish but to be the bigger person! To realize that someone hurting us does not lessen our worth and that we still are our amazing selves.

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” ― Marcus Aurelius Click To Tweet

2 | Not the Best Version of Yourself

Revenge does not represent the best version of ourselves. When we are seeking revenge, we are wanting something bad to happen to someone else. In fact, we are creating this hurt in their lives and expecting a positive result for ourselves.  Our best selves are not wishing or intentionally causing harm- even to those who have wronged us. We are fueling this person who we do not want to be. Instead of practicing revenge, we could practice being the understanding and patient person we know we are.

3 | Energy and Time

To be blunt, revenge is a waste of time and energy! You could be using this time you spend fantasizing and planning out your revenge on something so much more useful! In fact, virtually anything would be a better use of your time and energy! It is okay to be hurt and upset, but we do not need to put our energy into these negative feelings and make them bigger. Put your time and energy into something positive! You can try to learn something new! Practice some self-care to help heal, clean up your space, start a gratitude journal, show your loved ones that you care. The time spent being negative to those who wrong you could have been time spent appreciating those who love us.

4 | Escalating Game

“Well, THEY started it!” Revenge is not only a dirty game but an escalating one. Just like this: someone hits you, you hit back harder. Next, they hit you with both fists. It will escalate until someone either cannot fight back anymore or when someone decides to not fight back. Just as mentioned above, we feel entitled to our retaliation and feel like it is justified. When you feed the beast of revenge, it just grows stronger. We have the power to stop feeding the beast, preventing more damage to be done.

5 | Hurts the Relationship and Others

If someone wrongs you, the relationship can still be repaired. When revenge is sought, it becomes more difficult. As mentioned above, it is an escalating game with the potential to do a lot of damage. Even if we cannot imagine the person in your life right now, maybe we will later. It might be weeks or years, but maybe we will want to rekindle the relationship. Not only does our revenge hurt the relationship (or potential rekindling of), but it also hurts our other relationships. Other people will see us wishing this harm to others and spreading this negativity. Revenge obviously causes harm. I mean, that is the main goal.

6 | Does not Solve Anything

Revenge does not solve a single thing. Your revenge will not rewrite history or fix the damage that has been caused. Revenge will not even change the hurt you feel into bliss. We assume the revenge will make us feel better, but it always seems to do the opposite. Maybe it is the guilt we feel of letting our ego get the best of us. Maybe it is the realization that you intentionally caused pain to someone. Whatever the reason is, revenge makes us feel worse. There is zero gain from it!

New Perspective

Revenge is something that could always be an option for you, but will never be the right choice. We need to keep in mind that everything is temporary – even our feelings of hurt and anger. When we have this option to practice revenge, the choice is actually between healing and suffering. It is times like this when reflection is key! Search for blessings in disguise -What can you learn from this situation? How can I practice my empathy and not allow my self-esteem to dictate my actions? Revenge just hurts everyone involved, even the one practicing it.

What are your thoughts on revenge? Have you practiced in revenge yourself? Have you chosen to forego the revenge route? Please comment to tell me your tips and thoughts on my article! If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please show you care and share the bear! Be sure to sign up for my emails and follow on social media to get the most of the positive world of Brightside Bear!

Written with love for you,

Brightside Bear

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Pleasing vs. Helping

Growing up, I thought being a people pleaser just meant someone was being kind and helpful. Oh, how wrong I was! As I have continued to grow up, and work on my people pleasing tendencies, I have learned what a people pleaser really is. Putting others’ needs ahead of your own out of fear of making someone unhappy is what a people pleaser does. This could include doing something that you don’t want to do either because it makes you uncomfortable or you are already drained but instead of taking care of yourself, you sacrifice your well being and help out anyways.

Although sometimes seen as similar, being a people pleaser is much different than helping someone. Yes, pleasing people is usually helping them in some way- but the position of the helper is much different. We can help others without sacrificing ourselves. Another sign of people pleasing is when it is done out of the guilty feeling that we should be helping. Helping others because we want to, are able to, and when it does not involve our own suffering is not being a people pleaser. At a job in college I quickly learned the word, “volun-told.” This play on “volunteer” was when participating at an event was mandatory, but was made to seem voluntary. This term reminds me of being a people pleaser because of the guilt and expectations that are involved. Keep reading on the reasons why to stop people pleasing and the steps to take!

Why Stop People Pleasing?

People pleasing brings unnecessary stress into your life. By saying no to people pleasing, you are protecting yourself. Making your wellbeing a priority is not selfish, but necessary. A good quote to keep in mind is, “You can do anything, but not everything,” from David Allen. You are not superhuman and only have 24 hours in a day. When we stop people pleasing, we have more time for what matters in life and provide a healthy environment to be our best selves in. 

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

It is difficult to stop people pleasing habits, but that does not mean it is impossible. Follow these four tips to stop your pleasing people ways!

1 | Awareness.

Reflect on your people pleasing tendencies. Are there certain people or situations where you find yourself being a people pleaser often? Why do you think that is? What makes you a people pleaser in these situations? By defining what makes you a people pleaser in specific situations will help you pick up signs easier. How did being a people pleaser make you feel? Try being more aware and realizing when you are in the position to be a people pleaser. Take some time with your journal to think through all of this. Reflect on your motivations for acting as a people pleaser so you can finally confront them.

2 | Know your boundaries.

You can have more control of any potential people pleaser situations by setting boundaries for yourself now. A great way to begin making boundaries for yourself is to list your priorities and know that you will not sacrifice them. Also be aware of your own rights and honor them. Keeping the list somewhere you see every day is very helpful! Some examples of priorities that are often sacrificed by people pleasing are sleep, time with loved ones, as well as mental and physical wellness. Boundaries can be set on multiple levels. For example: who you are willing to help, for how long, and in what way are all different boundaries. It is okay, and necessary,  to help someone while enforcing these boundaries to protect yourself!

3 | Practice saying “no”

Like everything in life, saying “no” takes practice.  Even just saying  “no” out loud, in the mirror, is an empowering exercise to help. Being more comfortable saying no makes it more likely that you will stick to your decision! There are plenty of ways to tell someone no without being rude, we just need to learn the different techniques. With a range from saying it with gratitude to recommending someone else to help in the situation, this article, 21 Ways to “Give Good No”  is a big help!

4 | Reassure Yourself of Your Decision

When you are first working on saying “no,” the word comes with a lot of guilt. You might tell yourself excuses as to why you should be a people pleaser right now or lie as to why this situation is different. The feeling of guilt is normal. Remind yourself of why you are saying no. Replace the guilt with feeling proud of yourself for sticking up for you. Protecting yourself is an amazing form of self-care and should always be celebrated. Write out a list reminding yourself of why this decision was the right one for yourself to help with your feelings.

“You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for whether or not people freak out about it.” – Jen Sincero in her book, You Are a Badass®: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life Read my book review here!

Being a people pleaser is not a life sentence. Part of growing is learning to say no to many things, and people pleasing is one of them. Remember this is a process and will not be fixed overnight. Please comment below and tell me what you think of my people pleasing tips and let me know your experiences with people pleasing! If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please show you care and share the bear! Be sure to sign up for my emails and follow on social media to get the most of the positive world of Brightside Bear!

Written with love just for you,

Brightside Bear  

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When I Was Younger

At a family gathering recently, my uncle told me a story about my younger self that really opened my eyes… My Uncle Tom did not live close to my family but would stop by for dinner and a visit when he would drive through town. We usually knew when he was coming, but one night my Uncle Tom surprised us with a visit. When he came to the door who should answer but my five-year-old self. I opened the door and as soon as I saw him I could not hide my excitement! Leaving Uncle Tom outside, with the front door wide open, I ran back inside yelling, “UNCLE TOM IS HERE! UNCLE TOM IS HERE!”

The story continues, though, that I was the only person excited to see him. My older siblings were playing a game and did not want to take their eyes off of it. At the same time, my parents were busy with their own things. I ran through the house shouting at the top of my lungs, but my family did not see how important it was that Uncle Tom was there.

Uncle Tom finished this story by telling me how much love and importance he felt in that moment when I greeted him all those years ago. Even though my level of excitement was not met, I finished my loop around the house unphased. I simply let my pure joy and love for Uncle Tom be felt fully!

Childlike Excitement

After the story sunk in, I wondered what it would be like if I greeted every person I loved in this way. Pretty quickly I realized how amazing this would be- for me and my loved ones. No, you do not have to do a lap around the house announcing their arrival. (Although, your loved ones would definitely feel cared for.)  Looking back, it is two simple things I did that made Uncle Tom feel so loved when I greeted him.

1 | I gave him my full attention.

2 | I blatantly showed him how happy he, and his presence, means to me.

These two things make such an impact.

The Lasting Impact

It has been decades since I greeted Uncle Tom at the door, but when he told me the story recently it was as if he was feeling that same love all over again. Using your words to tell someone how much they mean to you, how much you enjoy your time together, and how happy you are to have them in your life are powerful words to say with a lasting impact.  The acts of giving someone our full attention and letting them know we care are so important. I like to think of these words and actions as a different way to run around the house because it sends my loved ones the same message.

Please comment below and tell me what you think of my idea to bring back your childhood excitement into your relationships!  If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please show you care and share the bear! Be sure to sign up for my emails and follow on social media to get the most of the positive world of Brightside Bear!

Written with love just for you,

Brightside Bear  

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