Should is a powerful word. A few months ago I had a realization that I was using should in a way that made me feel worse about myself and situations. I decided that I wanted to stop using the word “should” and start taking action to make myself feel better. Below I listed the main reasons I think should is a negative word and then steps you can take to stop the cycle of shoulds!
Why Should Is a Bad Word
Unmotivating
The word should is seen as motivating and encourages us to do what needs to be done. However, using the word comes with more negative emotions than motivation. When you think of what you should be doing, your mind automatically thinks of the reasons why you are not doing it and what you are doing instead. You start to feel guilty because even though you think you should do something, here you are not doing it. The word itself makes some people want to rebel and not do something simply because they should. It is interesting how such a strong should can lead to such a strong resistance. Do not worry though, I have an entire article on how to get motivated right here that does not include telling yourself you should do something!
Avoids Acceptance
When we are thinking of how something “should” be, we are not accepting what is happening. Because everything in life is temporary, there are bad times as well as good times. However, focusing on the way you think something should be does not change the way things are. There are ways to add positivity into our lives without wishing our reality was different! Journaling helps me a lot with processing what is happening and my gratitude journal helps me focus on the positives! I also practice finding my blessings in disguise, which reminds me that I do not know what the universe has in store and what I think I want may not be what is best.
Hurts Relationships
The word should hurts our relationships with others and with ourselves. A common should with mental health is thinking “they should know I am not fine.” I have a complete article on “Taking off the ‘I’m Fine’ Mask” to help you here. But there are other shoulds in relationships. Some shoulds set up unrealistic expectations for others or make you take on the role as a people pleaser. Shoulds can also take away from self-care when thinking we should do x, y, and z before we do anything nice for ourselves. But self-care is necessary and we MUST take care of ourselves-no shoulds about it.
Gives Someone Else Your Power
Who sets your standard for shoulds? Is it your family or friends that are making you feel like you should be doing something? Maybe it is your school, work, or a certain belief that are setting these standards for you. Maybe your social media is setting unrealistic standards for you. When you are giving someone else the power to decide what is important, you are giving away your power. If you are unsure where your should is coming from, keep reading and follow my steps to help you stop the cycle.
How To Stop The Cycle
Habits are hard to break and saying should to yourself is no different. But do not worry, you have the power to stop the cycle of shoulds!
1 | Recognizing “Shoulds”
The first step in stopping any bad habit is recognizing the habit! Become more aware of when you say the word should. When I first started kicking the habit, I asked those close to me to help and let me know when I say should. It was very helpful- and insightful!
2 | Reflecting on “Shoulds”
Where are your shoulds coming from? It is very important to find where your shoulds are coming from so you can evaluate it completely. Here are some questions to ask yourself: Why do I think I should do this-is it an expectation I have for myself or one others have? Is the expectation healthy? Can I have some help or assistance with what this? Where do my beliefs fall with this should statement? Most importantly be sure to ask, “Am I taking care of my needs?”
3 | Taking Control
Taking control of your shoulds means making sure you prioritize what you say is important- not what you think you should do. Take some time to reflect on what is important to you, a great way to start reflecting is through journaling! Put your priorities on your monthly habit tracker and create your vision board to help take control too! What you say is a “should” could be classified as a “want” or “need” instead, making you view the situation differently as well.
No More Shoulds
Words are very powerful. I started using positive affirmations because of how much power words hold to add more positivity and increase my self-esteem. Now I am working on eliminating negative words from my vocabulary to help too!
How do you feel about the word should? Do you see a pattern in how you use the word or think it is negative? Please comment below and tell me what you think of my article and any thoughts about the word should! If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please show you care and share the bear! Be sure to sign up for my emails and follow on social media to get the most of the positive world of Brightside Bear!
