Pleasing vs. Helping
Growing up, I thought being a people pleaser just meant someone was being kind and helpful. Oh, how wrong I was! As I have continued to grow up, and work on my people pleasing tendencies, I have learned what a people pleaser really is. Putting others’ needs ahead of your own out of fear of making someone unhappy is what a people pleaser does. This could include doing something that you don’t want to do either because it makes you uncomfortable or you are already drained but instead of taking care of yourself, you sacrifice your well being and help out anyways.
Although sometimes seen as similar, being a people pleaser is much different than helping someone. Yes, pleasing people is usually helping them in some way- but the position of the helper is much different. We can help others without sacrificing ourselves. Another sign of people pleasing is when it is done out of the guilty feeling that we should be helping. Helping others because we want to, are able to, and when it does not involve our own suffering is not being a people pleaser. At a job in college I quickly learned the word, “volun-told.” This play on “volunteer” was when participating at an event was mandatory, but was made to seem voluntary. This term reminds me of being a people pleaser because of the guilt and expectations that are involved. Keep reading on the reasons why to stop people pleasing and the steps to take!
Why Stop People Pleasing?
People pleasing brings unnecessary stress into your life. By saying no to people pleasing, you are protecting yourself. Making your wellbeing a priority is not selfish, but necessary. A good quote to keep in mind is, “You can do anything, but not everything,” from David Allen. You are not superhuman and only have 24 hours in a day. When we stop people pleasing, we have more time for what matters in life and provide a healthy environment to be our best selves in.
How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
It is difficult to stop people pleasing habits, but that does not mean it is impossible. Follow these four tips to stop your pleasing people ways!
1 | Awareness.
Reflect on your people pleasing tendencies. Are there certain people or situations where you find yourself being a people pleaser often? Why do you think that is? What makes you a people pleaser in these situations? By defining what makes you a people pleaser in specific situations will help you pick up signs easier. How did being a people pleaser make you feel? Try being more aware and realizing when you are in the position to be a people pleaser. Take some time with your journal to think through all of this. Reflect on your motivations for acting as a people pleaser so you can finally confront them.
2 | Know your boundaries.
You can have more control of any potential people pleaser situations by setting boundaries for yourself now. A great way to begin making boundaries for yourself is to list your priorities and know that you will not sacrifice them. Also be aware of your own rights and honor them. Keeping the list somewhere you see every day is very helpful! Some examples of priorities that are often sacrificed by people pleasing are sleep, time with loved ones, as well as mental and physical wellness. Boundaries can be set on multiple levels. For example: who you are willing to help, for how long, and in what way are all different boundaries. It is okay, and necessary, to help someone while enforcing these boundaries to protect yourself!
3 | Practice saying “no”
Like everything in life, saying “no” takes practice. Even just saying “no” out loud, in the mirror, is an empowering exercise to help. Being more comfortable saying no makes it more likely that you will stick to your decision! There are plenty of ways to tell someone no without being rude, we just need to learn the different techniques. With a range from saying it with gratitude to recommending someone else to help in the situation, this article, 21 Ways to “Give Good No” is a big help!
4 | Reassure Yourself of Your Decision
When you are first working on saying “no,” the word comes with a lot of guilt. You might tell yourself excuses as to why you should be a people pleaser right now or lie as to why this situation is different. The feeling of guilt is normal. Remind yourself of why you are saying no. Replace the guilt with feeling proud of yourself for sticking up for you. Protecting yourself is an amazing form of self-care and should always be celebrated. Write out a list reminding yourself of why this decision was the right one for yourself to help with your feelings.
“You are responsible for what you say and do. You are not responsible for whether or not people freak out about it.” – Jen Sincero in her book, You Are a Badass®: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life
Read my book review here!
Read my book review Being a people pleaser is not a life sentence. Part of growing is learning to say no to many things, and people pleasing is one of them. Remember this is a process and will not be fixed overnight. Please comment below and tell me what you think of my people pleasing tips and let me know your experiences with people pleasing! If you know someone who could benefit from this article, please show you care and share the bear! Be sure to sign up for my emails and follow on social media to get the most of the positive world of Brightside Bear!
